September Does Not Always Bring New Beginnings in Spain

For some couples, the return to school, work and routine also means facing conversations that have been postponed for months — or even years. Intensive summer cohabitation can make certain problems more visible, but according to relational therapist specializing in trauma Sheila Carrasco, it is not necessarily the cause of the crisis. "The problem is rarely summer cohabitation, but rather the dysfunctional dynamics that are activated when we feel threatened.

The return to normality can thus function as a kind of mirror. During the year, work, schedules, children and obligations allow certain conflicts to be kept in the background. Summer changes the scenario: more time together, fewer routines and expectations that are sometimes too high about what couple vacations should be.

"During the year, the frantic pace allows us to postpone difficult conversations. When summer arrives, many couples project false hopes, believing that a stress-free vacation will fix their disconnection, Carrasco explains. The problem appears when the couple verifies that, despite rest and shared time, the difficulties continue.

"When they discover that the same conflicts are still present, a deep sense of disappointment appears. What changes is not the relationship, but that there are no longer excuses to keep avoiding the problem, she notes. Data also point to September traditionally concentrating an increase in consultations related to breakups.

According to information provided in the note, the Spanish Association of Family Lawyers (AEAFA) has historically registered a 30% increase in divorce consultations at this time, while the General Council of the Judiciary usually records more than 16,000 divorce petitions in the third quarter of the year. For Carrasco, many of the great crises do not begin over what is being discussed — money, children or who does what at home — but rather the way both react when they feel threatened. The therapist identifies five strategies that can appear automatically when the couple enters that "alert mode": wanting to be right at all costs, trying to control the other, venting without filters, hitting back and walling off or emotionally disappearing.

"None of these strategies bring us closer, but in the middle of a conflict they seem justified to us because they are survival mechanisms we learned in the past, Carrasco explains. Before trying to resolve the problem, the expert proposes something seemingly simple: stop. "Many of the worst arguments do not occur between two rational adults, but between two nervous systems trying to protect themselves, she warns.

When the feeling of threat appears, the brain prioritizes survival over empathy and the ability to listen to the other is temporarily compromised. Her proposal to break this dynamic is the so-called "Formal Pause": interrupting the conversation when it begins to escalate and resuming it within a maximum of 24 hours, when both have regained calm. "Talking again when the body is no longer on alert does not mean giving in or conceding; it means creating the necessary conditions for the conversation to build instead of destroy, she states. Other articles in this section cover topics such as the success of adult camps, destinations chosen by those traveling by motorhome, singer Ana Mena crying on stage after her breakup with Óscar Casas, and how much a widow receives from her husband's pension in Spain.