I spent years trying to get smaller. Until I decided to get bigger

‘Bulking’, or gaining weight on purpose to get stronger, challenged everything I was once taught to do with my body I had been casually lifting weights for a few years when several things changed in quick succession. First, my boyfriend proposed.

Building and maintaining muscle is essential for health, especially as we age.’ Liu/The Guardian/ View image in fullscreen ‘Why would anyone go through all this trouble if they’re not a professional bodybuilder? Building and maintaining muscle is essential for health, especially as we age.’ Liu/The Guardian/ I spent years trying to get smaller. Until I decided to get bigger ‘Bulking’, or gaining weight on purpose to get stronger, challenged everything I was once taught to do with my body I had been casually lifting weights for a few years when several things changed in quick succession.

This wasn’t a surprise – he had already told me he wanted to get married, and I had told him exactly how I wanted him to propose: somewhere public but not crowded, not in a restaurant. Since I spend most of my waking hours hunched over my computer looking like an extra from The Walking Dead, I also wanted to be nicely dressed for the occasion. He gamely followed instructions and got down on one knee in a quiet gallery of my favorite museum. an orange wrap dress coupled with dainty purple heels – was only slightly undermined by the fact I cried so hard that my eyes puffed up and snot dripped from my nose.

Then came the unexpected part. Planning our wedding sent me into a body-loathing spiral I hadn’t experienced since middle school.

After years of not stepping on a scale, I started weighing myself every morning. I tracked calories and counted steps. I ate as little as possible, and when I couldn’t take it any more, I binged until my stomach ached.

Part of me knew I had crossed into unhealthy territory, but I was determined to keep trying to lose weight. When my fiance gently expressed concern, I listened, nodded, then ignored him and continued to unravel. It took me a while to figure out what had prompted this change of behavior.

I thought my crash diet days were behind me, and I didn’t care that much about weddings. Ours was always going to be lowkey: a small courthouse ceremony followed by two parties at our respective parents’ homes. Eventually, I realized what was driving it.

Without consciously doing so, over the years I had constructed an image of the bride I wanted to be, and that woman was skinny. She was all long, twiggy limbs – think nepo baby supermodel, or a newborn foal. I had internalized a noxious idea: that was the kind of woman who was successful and loved. or more likely because of – the emotional and physical turmoil I put it through, my body didn’t change.