I Worry About His Future

Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding?

Submit it here. I have a 13-year-old who, from birth, has been a sweet, inattentive ADHD kid who has never ever desired the satisfaction of hard work.

I’ve been pushing back on him and attempting to instill intrinsic motivation for seemingly 12.5 years. I avoid rewarding him for work 90 percent of the time, and attempt framing leisure activities through the lens of freed time rather than a bonus. It’s simply not his personality.

In school, any curveballs of extra work shatter him; at home, he’s begging for payment. Currently, he is at scout camp out of state, and we are getting calls that he wants to change all his activities to anything easy so he can earn badges with minimal effort. It’s truly frustrating in the moment, but in the long term I worry for him! We have lots of discussions about having basement dweller energy because the only thing he will put effort into is … you guessed it: video games.

I’m not a miser, but I do heavily regulate them. He’s beginning therapy for his executive function. My daughter is headstrong and feisty and tons of fun but struggles with motivation in that the moment things require some skill upgrade/practice, she folds.

She loves school and joining activities, but the moment she assumes someone is “better” than her at something, it means “everyone” is better and she is the worst. No amount of discussing time and effort can convince her that others are naturally gifted and she isn’t. It’s a huge struggle and limits her in things she could truly enjoy. I value boredom in my home in hopes that they’ll find a spark, but I need help!

When it comes to stopping activities, your kids seem to have different motivations—or lack thereof. Your son doesn’t put in the work it takes to get what he wants, and this will be a huge problem as he grows older. You’re right to worry about him having basement dweller energy because, unfortunately, he does have it—possibly through no fault of his own, as lack of motivation can be pretty common for people with ADHD.

You’re going to have to put your foot down and push him toward practicing two essential traits: commitment and follow-through. I’m not sure if the activities at camp are those he actually enjoys. So when he comes back, have him choose an activity to sign up for, one that he will need to commit to participating in for a full season, session, or period.

You can follow common advice for making tasks easier specifically for those with ADHD. For example, you might break up the task into smaller chunks by telling him he needs to present you with options of activities to partake in by a specific date, then he’ll need to sign up by a following date, and so forth. Make sure he chooses something he really enjoys.

It can even be gaming-related since that’s something he loves to do, but it should be structured (for example, an e-gaming team versus just him playing games at home). Your daughter is simply afraid to fail. But failing at things is the only way we grow.

We can’t get better if we don’t at first try and then keep trying until we get it. Push her to also try something new and stick with it. It’s important that she doesn’t quit and that she stays in it.

In the end, she’ll be so proud that she did. And hopefully, she can take that lesson with her into things she’s scared to do in the future. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns.

We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity.